October 29, 1983 was a rainy day like today and I can remember looking out of the hospital window at the wet, colorful leaves on the trees.  Ryan weighed almost 10 pounds, and it was a real effort to push him out, but I managed to do so.  He didn't breathe right away so they put him in an incubator next to another baby in an incubator that only weighed 4 pounds.  What a difference!  

He rolled over by himself the day after he was born and I thought, "uh oh", although he didn't do it again for another couple of months.  He was a constant challenge after that, keeping me hopping and exhausted just about every day.  

I've had two dreams about him lately, one last night and one the night before. In one dream I was talking with my sons Randy (as a teenager) and Robert (when he was a child). When we brought up Ryan's name, as in other dreams, he had been missing for a long time, and we didn't know where he was. I started crying, which woke me up.  

In the dream last night, I woke up to find him as a teenager sleeping on a pallet on the floor after being missing for some time.  I got him up to take a shower and pointed him to a bed made for him.  I don't remember what happened after that, but it's a rare thing that he shows up in my dreams, especially two nights in a row. You would think that the pain of losing him would ease with time, but I think about him every day and some days I just cry.  

Meanwhile, of course nothing new on his case even though I contacted detectives in July.  

This is a photo of Ryan in the old one room schoolhouse at the Daniel Boone House in Defiance, Missouri, I think around 1997.  

Happy Birthday, Ryan.  We miss you. 😭