It's now about 5 a.m.  On July 14, 2006, exactly 20 years ago, right about this time of the morning, we were returning from the hospital.  Without Ryan.  My memories of that night are rather foggy at this point, but we had spent several hours at the hospital after receiving a call from Randy that Ryan had been stabbed.  When we first got to the hospital, they were trying to get him stabilized so that we could go in and see him. That didn't happen.  His situation became critical quickly and they had to do emergency surgery to repair his heart that was damaged from the stabbing. From what I remember, he died at least once, they revived him, and then he died again.  The heart surgeons tried their best to save him, but apparently the damage was too severe.  

We (his dad, brother Robert, and I) drove home in unbearable emotional pain, past the location on Walnut Street where he had been stabbed. Randy went back to the house where he lived in Carbondale, where Ryan was supposed to meet him. I don't know what time, but police questioned him that morning while he was grieving, stressed and suffering from lack of sleep. It was NOT a good day for him or any of us. 

After the funeral a few days later, we visited the site where Ryan was attacked.  We noticed the lack of light on the street and in the alley.  We found a knife partially buried in the dirt right next to one of the houses and immediately called the head detective who came out and retrieved it along with the surrounding soil. He later told us that it was not the knife used in the stabbing. Still, how is it that WE found it and the detectives that searched the scene that night did not? 

Don't get me wrong.  There have been detectives that really spent a lot of time and energy investigating Ryan's murder in the beginning. All of them have treated me respectfully over the years while I continued to investigate on my own.  I provided a number of tips, leads and information I had gathered, some they knew about, some they didn't. Even still, the case probably has not been actively worked on for several years except for follow ups when some information was presented to them, sometimes by me.  

I'm almost 77 years old now, have had many injuries and major surgeries since Ryan's death, have little energy, and I don't seem to have much family left. Yet I continue to fight for Ryan and will not stop until I can no longer do it.  

We miss you, Ryan.  😭

October 29, 1983 was a rainy day like today and I can remember looking out of the hospital window at the wet, colorful leaves on the trees.  Ryan weighed almost 10 pounds, and it was a real effort to push him out, but I managed to do so.  He didn't breathe right away so they put him in an incubator next to another baby in an incubator that only weighed 4 pounds.  What a difference!  

He rolled over by himself the day after he was born and I thought, "uh oh", although he didn't do it again for another couple of months.  He was a constant challenge after that, keeping me hopping and exhausted just about every day.  

I've had two dreams about him lately, one last night and one the night before. In one dream I was talking with my sons Randy (as a teenager) and Robert (when he was a child). When we brought up Ryan's name, as in other dreams, he had been missing for a long time, and we didn't know where he was. I started crying, which woke me up.  

In the dream last night, I woke up to find him as a teenager sleeping on a pallet on the floor after being missing for some time.  I got him up to take a shower and pointed him to a bed made for him.  I don't remember what happened after that, but it's a rare thing that he shows up in my dreams, especially two nights in a row. You would think that the pain of losing him would ease with time, but I think about him every day and some days I just cry.  

Meanwhile, of course nothing new on his case even though I contacted detectives in July.  

This is a photo of Ryan in the old one room schoolhouse at the Daniel Boone House in Defiance, Missouri, I think around 1997.  

Happy Birthday, Ryan.  We miss you. 😭

 

19 years and still no closure.  No doubt Ryan's case is collecting dust in a file somewhere.  In the meantime, a number of people who were around that night are gone forever also.  I keep hoping for a break in the case or that those who did it would confess, but I guess I shouldn't hold my breath for that.  I keep fighting but it gets harder with age and medical conditions.  

I miss the days when all three of my sons were young and active.  If only there was a time machine to be able to do that.  Awhile back I found this newspaper clip of Ryan from when he was 9 years old and want to share it here.  

Another birthday, another Christmas spent without Ryan.  Nothing but memories and things that trigger sad emotions. 

A few months ago, reporter Mylee Walker of the Daily Egyptian reached out to me about Ryan's case. I agreed to do an interview with her and after a few hurdles, she was finally able to get it published this week.  Attaching the link here for those who are interested in reading it.  Hope it works!  

https://dailyegyptian.com/120003/showcase/ryan-livingston-a-robbery-gone-wrong-still-unsolved-18-years-later/

Year 18 of Christmas without Ryan.  All we have are memories.  

I love these videos of young people reacting to groups we rocked to when we were younger. Lately I've been seeing some watching Three Dog Night songs for the first time. The looks on their faces are priceless!

 I love these videos of young people reacting to groups we rocked to when we were younger. Lately I've been seeing some watching Three Dog Night songs for the first time. The looks on their faces are priceless!

 Year 18 and still no one arrested despite me continuing to try to keep Ryan's case open year after year after year while battling major health issues and injuries.  Sometimes it feels so overwhelming.  

We had Casey's pizza for lunch today in memory of Ryan since he worked there and made pizzas when Hannah was a baby.  Sadly, I don't know where she is right now.  We then went to the cemetery to visit him.  Ryan not being here leaves a big hole in our hearts that no amount of time can ever heal.  

Christmas 2023

Had a pleasant visit with my sons Randy and Robert on Christmas Eve.  On Christmas Day I held Ryan's photo to my chest and cried.  

He should have been here with us.  All we have left is memories.  

And still no justice.  

Christmas 1994

Today is Ryan's 40th birthday. He should have been here with us to celebrate, but of course that choice was taken away from him. His brothers and I got together to share memories and I went to his grave to talk to him, but of course he couldn't answer.  I hope he knows that he is always in our thoughts.  

Dug into photos and found this one from when he became a teenager.  I so miss those days and still cannot look at photos of him without crying.  

We love you, Ryan.  Happy Birthday in Heaven.