It's now about 5 a.m.  On July 14, 2006, exactly 20 years ago, right about this time of the morning, we were returning from the hospital.  Without Ryan.  My memories of that night are rather foggy at this point, but we had spent several hours at the hospital after receiving a call from Randy that Ryan had been stabbed.  When we first got to the hospital, they were trying to get him stabilized so that we could go in and see him. That didn't happen.  His situation became critical quickly and they had to do emergency surgery to repair his heart that was damaged from the stabbing. From what I remember, he died at least once, they revived him, and then he died again.  The heart surgeons tried their best to save him, but apparently the damage was too severe.  

We (his dad, brother Robert, and I) drove home in unbearable emotional pain, past the location on Walnut Street where he had been stabbed. Randy went back to the house where he lived in Carbondale, where Ryan was supposed to meet him. I don't know what time, but police questioned him that morning while he was grieving, stressed and suffering from lack of sleep. It was NOT a good day for him or any of us. 

After the funeral a few days later, we visited the site where Ryan was attacked.  We noticed the lack of light on the street and in the alley.  We found a knife partially buried in the dirt right next to one of the houses and immediately called the head detective who came out and retrieved it along with the surrounding soil. He later told us that it was not the knife used in the stabbing. Still, how is it that WE found it and the detectives that searched the scene that night did not? 

Don't get me wrong.  There have been detectives that really spent a lot of time and energy investigating Ryan's murder in the beginning. All of them have treated me respectfully over the years while I continued to investigate on my own.  I provided a number of tips, leads and information I had gathered, some they knew about, some they didn't. Even still, the case probably has not been actively worked on for several years except for follow ups when some information was presented to them, sometimes by me.  

I'm almost 77 years old now, have had many injuries and major surgeries since Ryan's death, have little energy, and I don't seem to have much family left. Yet I continue to fight for Ryan and will not stop until I can no longer do it.  

We miss you, Ryan.  😭

October 29, 1983 was a rainy day like today and I can remember looking out of the hospital window at the wet, colorful leaves on the trees.  Ryan weighed almost 10 pounds, and it was a real effort to push him out, but I managed to do so.  He didn't breathe right away so they put him in an incubator next to another baby in an incubator that only weighed 4 pounds.  What a difference!  

He rolled over by himself the day after he was born and I thought, "uh oh", although he didn't do it again for another couple of months.  He was a constant challenge after that, keeping me hopping and exhausted just about every day.  

I've had two dreams about him lately, one last night and one the night before. In one dream I was talking with my sons Randy (as a teenager) and Robert (when he was a child). When we brought up Ryan's name, as in other dreams, he had been missing for a long time, and we didn't know where he was. I started crying, which woke me up.  

In the dream last night, I woke up to find him as a teenager sleeping on a pallet on the floor after being missing for some time.  I got him up to take a shower and pointed him to a bed made for him.  I don't remember what happened after that, but it's a rare thing that he shows up in my dreams, especially two nights in a row. You would think that the pain of losing him would ease with time, but I think about him every day and some days I just cry.  

Meanwhile, of course nothing new on his case even though I contacted detectives in July.  

This is a photo of Ryan in the old one room schoolhouse at the Daniel Boone House in Defiance, Missouri, I think around 1997.  

Happy Birthday, Ryan.  We miss you. 😭

 

19 years and still no closure.  No doubt Ryan's case is collecting dust in a file somewhere.  In the meantime, a number of people who were around that night are gone forever also.  I keep hoping for a break in the case or that those who did it would confess, but I guess I shouldn't hold my breath for that.  I keep fighting but it gets harder with age and medical conditions.  

I miss the days when all three of my sons were young and active.  If only there was a time machine to be able to do that.  Awhile back I found this newspaper clip of Ryan from when he was 9 years old and want to share it here.  

Another birthday, another Christmas spent without Ryan.  Nothing but memories and things that trigger sad emotions. 

A few months ago, reporter Mylee Walker of the Daily Egyptian reached out to me about Ryan's case. I agreed to do an interview with her and after a few hurdles, she was finally able to get it published this week.  Attaching the link here for those who are interested in reading it.  Hope it works!  

https://dailyegyptian.com/120003/showcase/ryan-livingston-a-robbery-gone-wrong-still-unsolved-18-years-later/

Year 18 of Christmas without Ryan.  All we have are memories.  

I love these videos of young people reacting to groups we rocked to when we were younger. Lately I've been seeing some watching Three Dog Night songs for the first time. The looks on their faces are priceless!

 I love these videos of young people reacting to groups we rocked to when we were younger. Lately I've been seeing some watching Three Dog Night songs for the first time. The looks on their faces are priceless!

 Year 18 and still no one arrested despite me continuing to try to keep Ryan's case open year after year after year while battling major health issues and injuries.  Sometimes it feels so overwhelming.  

We had Casey's pizza for lunch today in memory of Ryan since he worked there and made pizzas when Hannah was a baby.  Sadly, I don't know where she is right now.  We then went to the cemetery to visit him.  Ryan not being here leaves a big hole in our hearts that no amount of time can ever heal.  

Christmas 2023

Had a pleasant visit with my sons Randy and Robert on Christmas Eve.  On Christmas Day I held Ryan's photo to my chest and cried.  

He should have been here with us.  All we have left is memories.  

And still no justice.  

Christmas 1994

Today is Ryan's 40th birthday. He should have been here with us to celebrate, but of course that choice was taken away from him. His brothers and I got together to share memories and I went to his grave to talk to him, but of course he couldn't answer.  I hope he knows that he is always in our thoughts.  

Dug into photos and found this one from when he became a teenager.  I so miss those days and still cannot look at photos of him without crying.  

We love you, Ryan.  Happy Birthday in Heaven.

The worst day of our lives was 17 years ago today when Ryan was violently taken from us.  The situation with likely suspects is complicated and I cannot discuss it publicly, but I suspect that we will never see justice for Ryan, nor will we ever get closure. I pray that I am wrong.

His daughter Hannah is now in college and we are so PROUD of her!  Ryan loved her so much. I wish he could have been around to watch her grow up.  

Mother's Day is bittersweet.  You dearly love the sons and daughters you have yet there is also an ache and emptiness for the one you lost. It's been almost 17 years since Ryan was violently taken from us and not a single day goes by that he is isn't in my thoughts.  😢

Just ran across this on Facebook.  Those of us dealing with this pain will certainly identify with it.  💔💔💔 

Ryan would have been 39 today if his life hadn't been stolen.  Visited him yesterday at the cemetery and right on cue, "Baker's Street" came on the radio.  

A couple of weeks ago the flowers I had on his headstone disappeared.  I don't know why someone would do that.  It was so pretty and was the first flower arrangement I was able to make since my major surgery and illnesses last year.  😪  There are other flowers there now.  

Meanwhile, not a word from CPD about his case so I'm assuming they haven't looked at his case since I prompted them to last year.  It's looking more and more like there will be no justice in what time I have left on earth.  

All I have are memories....  This is from Halloween 1988 in Arizona.  His cousin Jenny on the left is gone now too.  😭  We miss them both terribly.  

16 Years and Still No Resolution

I feel frustrated, stressed and heartbroken. It's the 16th anniversary of Ryan's murder and his case continues to be pushed further and further back on the shelf as Carbondale police deal with increasing crime in the city.  I don't know how much longer his father and I have on this earth but we were really hoping for his case to be resolved before we pass away.  

Ryan's daughter Hannah graduated from high school in May with high honors and a college scholarship so she will be off to start a brand new chapter in her life soon!  Ryan would be so proud of her!  💓💓💓

Ryan has been showing up more in my dreams lately.  It's always so good to see him but sad when I wake up and the dream is over. 

Some wonder why those of us who have lost kids continue to talk about them.  Some even think we should just "get over it".  Well, you don't "get over it".  They were an integral part of our lives and our hearts are broken forever.  We NEED to talk about it.  We NEED to know that others care as we spend the rest of our life's journey trying to cope with it.  We don't need constant sympathy, just someone who is there to understand and be supportive when needed, not someone who is dismissive of our pain.

You will always be a part of our lives, Ryan.  We miss you.   

 Just ran across this article from last January.  It's based on the news story from the Southern Illinoisan we did a couple of years before. The conclusions reached are not likely since the author does not have access to all of the information in the case but thought it was worth mentioning because of the interest shown and concern, for which we are very grateful. 

Young Father’s Brutal Murder Still Unsolved Nearly 15 Years Later - True Crime Diva

Ryan's 38th birthday and 15th year not here to celebrate it.  

I keep hoping the pain of losing him will go away but obviously that's never going to happen.  Of course not a word about the investigation into his murder, which probably has been thrown into the cold case files at this point.  

All I can do is cry.  😭

I was recently sent this photo of Ryan and his cousin McKinnon by his aunt, probably taken in 1991, which I had never seen before.  It still tears me apart to look at photos of him after all these years.  

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Son.  💔  I love you and miss you.  

I thought last year was tough but as I sit here on the 15th anniversary of Ryan's murder I think of how close I came to joining him in April.  I have to wonder why I survived everything I went through.   Maybe I was meant to stay here awhile longer and keep fighting for him.  It was difficult all those weeks not being able to do anything but think and watch tv.  I couldn't even visit his grave.  I don't know what I would have done without my sons, my sister and good friends.  

The police tell me that no new information has come in.  I assume his case is figuratively sitting on a shelf gathering dust at this point.  Meanwhile, his attackers are still breathing and living their lives as if nothing happened.  Some of the suspects are even friends on Facebook with some of the people who "friended" me a few years ago.  And no, I'm not going to say their names but be assured that I know who they are and hope that they pay for their crimes.  

Ryan's daughter Hannah is now a working girl and is about to enter her senior year of high school.   Absolutely so proud of her.  💖 

Please keep our family in your thoughts and pray that Ryan gets justice.  

The following is a photo clip from a video filmed in the 90's when we went to the Daniel Boone home in Defiance, Missouri.  He and Robert are sitting in a little one room school house from the 1800's.   We miss you so much, Ryan.   I wish I could go back in time to those days.  

                                                          💔💔💔

  

I thought so much about Ryan on St. Patrick's Day. 💚He was intrigued with the Irish heritage in our background and wanted to visit Ireland someday.  Sadly, that wish was destroyed by those who took his life.  

I ran across the following page this morning, posted Jan. 21, 2021, which contains a lot of information from the articles published in the Southern Illinoisan in 2019 after months of investigating by Shawn Anglin, Marilyn Halstead and I in cooperation with the Carbondale Police Department.   It's still very painful for me to read these articles after almost 15 years.  

There have been no new developments since then, sadly.  😔

Young Father's Brutal Murder Still Unsolved  

 

 

Ryan would have been 37 years old today.  

Every birthday, every holiday, and every anniversary of his death is still so painful, even after 14 years.  

I hope and pray that those who took him from us will not find peace until they do the right thing.  

😢

Today is the 14th anniversary of Ryan's death.  I still cannot think about the hell he must have gone through that night without crying, nor can I think about his attackers without anger and disgust at the wasted, destructive lives they lead. 

The past few months have been full of constant news reports about COVID-19, wearing masks, accusations of police brutality, peaceful protests, violent protests, massive vandalism, fires, looting, and many murders committed in  the name of George Floyd and funded by people who want to destroy our country and our economy for political reasons.  

People are carrying signs saying Black Lives Matter....while blacks continue to kill each other and their children in Chicago and other places at a frightening rate.  If you dare to carry a sign saying anything else, such as Blue Lives Matter or All Lives Matter, you will be attacked and maybe even killed for it by some of these same people.   

Well I have news for all of you anarchists, criminals, thugs, Antifa, etc. 

                                   RYAN'S LIFE MATTERED  

Ryan was not racist.  He had black friends and would defend them against others. He helped people.  He cared about people. 

Before he died he was able to tell the police that it was two black males who attacked him.  They STILL have not been arrested for his murder, but if they think we aren't watching and keeping track of them, they are WRONG.  Until they do the right thing and confess, they'd better continue to watch over their shoulders because we aren't going away.  

I miss you Ryan.  😢

Remember Ryan

Thinking of my son Ryan today on what would have been his 36th birthday.  His daughter Hannah is now driving with her learning permit.  He would be so proud of the wonderful young lady she is becoming.  

His life was stolen from him 13 years ago by two criminals who obviously felt he was an easy target while walking down the street alone.  I have to wonder who else these thugs victimized and how they live with themselves after what they did to him.  I hope they have had many sleepless nights, but somehow I doubt it.

As far as I know, no useful information or evidence has been presented to the Carbondale police as a result of the huge article about Ryan's case in the Southern Illinoisan in July.  It's sad that those who did it won't confess and those who knew what happened are either silent....or dead.  

I was going through papers and mementos awhile back and came across these two pieces of artwork Ryan did when he was a child.  The picture of Spock is from 1987 when he was four years old and the marine man mosaic from 1995 when he was 11.  

We miss you, Ryan. I'm not sure our broken hearts will ever mend.  💔