13 years and still no justice for Ryan.

On the plus side, Shawn Anglin and Marilyn Halstead from the Southern Illinoisan have been helping to investigate and review Ryan's case in cooperation with the Carbondale Police Department for several months, resulting in a front page story for the 13th anniversary of his death.  

We've come across a few tidbits that may have been missed in the past and viewed previously known information with a different perspective.  We've managed to reach out to some people who were present that night or lived in the area at that time.  Shawn especially has been going over what evidence is available to us with a fine toothed comb, mostly due to his previous law enforcement experience.  It's been wonderful working closely with them on Ryan's case.  

https://thesouthern.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/ryan-livingston-was-murdered-on-a-busy-street-in-carbondale/article_7e5c223d-90e1-563e-8bed-857e68a833dc.html?fbclid=IwAR1DYrfiq6KGlC308so43tIpthH5XgFnvgoTtlDbMuZdetnqZLB9hlNgWsw#tracking-source=home-top-story

I am overwhelmed with the kindness of so many people over the years.  No parent should have to live the nightmare of losing a son or daughter, especially to murder.  Those who killed Ryan have sentenced us to a lifetime of pain and anguish for a crime we didn't commit.  Meanwhile they go on their merry way as if nothing happened.  Those who are protecting them are just as guilty as they are.   They should man up to what they did instead of hiding like cowards.  

Ryan, you are forever in our thoughts.  We will love and miss you always.  

Well, here it is Thanksgiving Day and missing Ryan on yet another holiday.  It hurts down in my soul.  I was in the process of moving and was without internet on his birthday October 29, sadly.  He would have been 35 years old.  

His beautiful daughter Hannah started high school in August.  So hard to believe how grown up she is.  She and her mom and brother Wyatt have recently moved also.  

I have tried not to be angry all these years about Ryan's death, but I do want to say to his murderers and those of you who are protecting them, may God have mercy on your souls.  

It's hard to believe I'm sitting here 12 years after Ryan's death and still no one has been charged with his murder.  If those involved are reading this, I hope and pray that they do the right thing and give us closure.  If they don't think I know who they are, they are mistaken.

Ryan was always a challenge growing up, leaving me often physically and emotionally exhausted.  I have read some things he wrote that expressed his perception that I had "laughed" at him or betrayed him and it hurts me deeply to think that he felt that way.  It was never my intent.  I wasn't perfect and had other battles I was dealing with at the same time, but I fought long and hard for him, year after year, even when no one else would.  At the same time I did believe that he would mature and become the man and father that he wanted to be.  He was intelligent, talented, cared about others and didn't deserve what happened to him.

Ryan's daughter Hannah is an honor student and getting ready to go into high school. It's hard not to be proud of her! Being with her gives me much joy yet it hurts knowing that Ryan hasn't been here to see her grow up and become the wonderful person that she is.  

I'm also very proud of my other two talented sons Randy and Robert.  They've had difficult challenges over the past several years, but somehow have managed to keep going.  I don't know what I would do without them.  

Ryan's 34th birthday was October 29th, yet another birthday he wasn't allowed to celebrate because his life was stolen from him.

At this point I am disappointed that some of those who really knew what happened that night have not come forward.  Those of you who are guilty of his murder or of covering up the crime better know that I will not stop looking for the truth until my dying day.  If you did it, stop being a coward and confess.  If you know who did it, why, and have not given that information to me or the police, do the right thing and give Ryan the justice he deserves.  

On the way home this morning, the song that Ryan and I discussed and that he liked so much came on the radio, as it has so many other times when I was thinking of him while on the road.  He was a good soul and wanted to "settle down" like the song says...

I struggle with knowing what to say today.  11 years of pain for all of us. 11 years of visiting Ryan's grave and still no one has been arrested for his murder. 11 years of Hannah not knowing her father.  11 years of his attackers enjoying their lives after robbing Ryan of his. 11 years of feeling like I have been fighting for Ryan with little or no help from anyone.  

I miss Ryan's smile.  I miss his humor.  I miss his voice.  I still can't look at his photos without crying.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.  

I am thankful for those who have come forward with information over the years about his murder.  So far sadly we haven't obtained what we need to get convictions but if the lowlifes who killed Ryan or anyone protecting them think for a second that I am going to give up and go away, they have another thing coming.  

I will always fight for my son.  

I'm not going away until they are put away.

A truly amazing thing happened this year and I wish to share it.  

In August we were contacted by a caring lady in Missouri telling us that in 2005, the morning after a music festival at the Cave, she was walking and found a tiny note on the ground that Ryan had written to Hannah (who was only about a year and a half old at the time) telling her that he loved her. She had no idea who Ryan was but his name and Hannah's were on the note and when she got home she tried unsuccessfully to find him online. 

She tucked the note away and found it this year so she decided to look for him again.  She sadly discovered online that Ryan died in 2006. She messaged me a copy of the note and I recognized his writing even though I couldn't quite make out what it said.  She then sent me the note, along with a wonderful hand written letter telling me her story.  Needless to say, my tears flowed at her kindness and the miracle that this tiny note had survived for 11 years.  

Even more amazing is that her name is Sarah (Hannah's mother's name) and she lives on Hannah Street.  What are the chances???

Hannah is almost 13, growing into such a wonderful young lady and we are all very proud of her.  I haven't found the right time to show the note to her yet, but hopefully soon she will see her father's message to her from beyond the grave.  

Yet another painful day for those of us left behind....what would have been Ryan's 33rd birthday.  I wish we had a time machine so we could go back and stop the brutal event which took his life. He should be here celebrating with us instead of being cold in his grave. 

Through my own investigating I discovered that some people who should have been interviewed in Ryan's case were either overlooked or ignored.  To say the least, it upsets me.  It is no longer possible to talk to some of those who were around 10 years ago because they are no longer with us.  I met with detectives in July, hoping that what I brought to them would help lead them in directions which would renew interest in the investigation.  I am still crossing my fingers but not holding my breath.  In the meantime, the suspects continue on with their lives while Ryan will never have that chance.  I wonder how they can live with that.

Ryan's beautiful daughter Hannah will soon be a teenager, is a good student and wonderful person. She is as tall as me now!  I am thankful to have her and Wyatt, who is now 5, in my life.  I am a very proud Grandma.  

10 years.....and still no definitive answers.  

Ryan was bright, adventurous, and friendly, even though he could be rather impulsive and impressionable sometimes.  He passionately loved his daughter, was there for his friends, he helped people when he could, and he loved animals, especially cats.  Why someone would take his life so brutally is unthinkable.

My oldest son Randy put together this wonderful video tribute to Ryan.  It's not long and he put his heart and soul into it.  Please watch.  

https://www.facebook.com/rememberryan83/videos/1295437447151460/?pnref=story


After this many years some will say "Well it's about time to get over it."  Anyone who says something like that has never lost a son or daughter, especially to murder.  If you lose your arm or leg, you will recover and get back to a life, yes, but it will never be the same as the life you had before.  An important part of you is missing. That's close to what it is like.

I have accepted Ryan's death and that he is never coming back, but I will never rest until his killers are brought to justice.  The thugs that attacked him have a false sense of security if they think that we will just let this go away.  I'm not giving up and I'm NOT going away.  They messed with the wrong Mama.