I struggle with knowing what to say today.  11 years of pain for all of us. 11 years of visiting Ryan's grave and still no one has been arrested for his murder. 11 years of Hannah not knowing her father.  11 years of his attackers enjoying their lives after robbing Ryan of his. 11 years of feeling like I have been fighting for Ryan with little or no help from anyone.  

I miss Ryan's smile.  I miss his humor.  I miss his voice.  I still can't look at his photos without crying.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.  

I am thankful for those who have come forward with information over the years about his murder.  So far sadly we haven't obtained what we need to get convictions but if the lowlifes who killed Ryan or anyone protecting them think for a second that I am going to give up and go away, they have another thing coming.  

I will always fight for my son.  

I'm not going away until they are put away.

A truly amazing thing happened this year and I wish to share it.  

In August we were contacted by a caring lady in Missouri telling us that in 2005, the morning after a music festival at the Cave, she was walking and found a tiny note on the ground that Ryan had written to Hannah (who was only about a year and a half old at the time) telling her that he loved her. She had no idea who Ryan was but his name and Hannah's were on the note and when she got home she tried unsuccessfully to find him online. 

She tucked the note away and found it this year so she decided to look for him again.  She sadly discovered online that Ryan died in 2006. She messaged me a copy of the note and I recognized his writing even though I couldn't quite make out what it said.  She then sent me the note, along with a wonderful hand written letter telling me her story.  Needless to say, my tears flowed at her kindness and the miracle that this tiny note had survived for 11 years.  

Even more amazing is that her name is Sarah (Hannah's mother's name) and she lives on Hannah Street.  What are the chances???

Hannah is almost 13, growing into such a wonderful young lady and we are all very proud of her.  I haven't found the right time to show the note to her yet, but hopefully soon she will see her father's message to her from beyond the grave.  

Yet another painful day for those of us left behind....what would have been Ryan's 33rd birthday.  I wish we had a time machine so we could go back and stop the brutal event which took his life. He should be here celebrating with us instead of being cold in his grave. 

Through my own investigating I discovered that some people who should have been interviewed in Ryan's case were either overlooked or ignored.  To say the least, it upsets me.  It is no longer possible to talk to some of those who were around 10 years ago because they are no longer with us.  I met with detectives in July, hoping that what I brought to them would help lead them in directions which would renew interest in the investigation.  I am still crossing my fingers but not holding my breath.  In the meantime, the suspects continue on with their lives while Ryan will never have that chance.  I wonder how they can live with that.

Ryan's beautiful daughter Hannah will soon be a teenager, is a good student and wonderful person. She is as tall as me now!  I am thankful to have her and Wyatt, who is now 5, in my life.  I am a very proud Grandma.  

10 years.....and still no definitive answers.  

Ryan was bright, adventurous, and friendly, even though he could be rather impulsive and impressionable sometimes.  He passionately loved his daughter, was there for his friends, he helped people when he could, and he loved animals, especially cats.  Why someone would take his life so brutally is unthinkable.

My oldest son Randy put together this wonderful video tribute to Ryan.  It's not long and he put his heart and soul into it.  Please watch.  

https://www.facebook.com/rememberryan83/videos/1295437447151460/?pnref=story


After this many years some will say "Well it's about time to get over it."  Anyone who says something like that has never lost a son or daughter, especially to murder.  If you lose your arm or leg, you will recover and get back to a life, yes, but it will never be the same as the life you had before.  An important part of you is missing. That's close to what it is like.

I have accepted Ryan's death and that he is never coming back, but I will never rest until his killers are brought to justice.  The thugs that attacked him have a false sense of security if they think that we will just let this go away.  I'm not giving up and I'm NOT going away.  They messed with the wrong Mama. 

Ryan would have been 32 years old today.  Instead, he lies cold in the ground while his killers still breathe.  There are no words to describe how it feels to live with the loss of your son or daughter and the only ones who can truly understand are those who have lost their own.  

Another year has gone by and Ryan has received no justice for what was done to him.

On July 1, Robert, Hannah and I were in an auto accident with my 2002 Montana.  Thankfully we are mostly okay, but the van is totaled.  It is sad for me because I drove Ryan, Sarah, and my newborn granddaughter Hannah home from the hospital in that van in 2004.  I miss the days when Ryan rode with me and  the conversations and trivia games we played while traveling in it.  Over the past 9 years  while driving alone, I sometimes felt like he was still sitting there beside me.  Losing the van, in some ways, feels like I've lost yet another connection to him.  

Life shouldn't be like this.  Ryan wasn't perfect, but he didn't deserve to die brutally at the hands of criminals.  With his life ebbing away, he worried that the friend he borrowed the shirt he was wearing from would be upset that it was now soaked in his blood.  That's the way he often was, concerned about others.

As far as I know, nothing new has come in on his death and I don't know that Carbondale police have actively worked on his case in the past year, but they assure me his case hasn't been forgotten.  SOMEONE must have the evidence we need to get his case resolved.  I wish they would step forward.

It's difficult to believe that 8 years have passed and so little has changed as far as Ryan's murder case is concerned.  So many of us have hoped and prayed that the evidence needed to resolve the case would magically appear, but so far we have been woefully disappointed.  

I continue to search for answers and information on my own, hoping that I will find some little clue or bit of information that will break the case. I'm not giving up.  I love and will always fight for my sons, especially the one I have lost.  

The love and support so many have given over the past 8 years is one of the things that has kept me going.  Spending time with Ryan's daughter Hannah and her little brother Wyatt lifts my spirits as well.  Hannah is sweet, considerate, and creative and I am very proud of her.  My sons Randy and Robert are my rocks, even though I know that both of them face many challenges of their own.  

Some handle pain and grief by holding it in, and I will admit that when I was young I mostly dealt with it that way.  Now I find that talking about it and even speaking out about it helps me to cope with the pain and depression.  I try not to burden others with it very often, but every now and then the pain surfaces and the tears flow....

Please keep us in your prayers.  

July 14, 2013


Another year has gone by.  The pain lessens slightly with time, but always remains.  Driving past the spot where he was stabbed in Carbondale is unavoidable and always difficult.  Seeing the places he worked and places I drove him to many times conjures memories that cannot be erased.

When I'm driving alone, I look at the empty passenger seat in my van where he sat on our many short trips.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking about all the times we engaged in long conversations and trivia games while on the road. Remembering statements he made while riding in that seat still tugs at my heart strings.

"Mom, I hope I look as good as you and Dad do when I get to be your age."

"I want to take care of you when you get old."

"What are your favorite flowers, Mom?  I want to get you some when I get the money."

Ryan's daughter Hannah is growing into a sweet young lady.  She has the wisdom and thinking processes that sometimes make me forget she is only 9 years old.  She is also still very creative, something that of course reminds me of her father.  She has a 2 year old little brother now, Wyatt, that she loves dearly and tries to help watch as he is very active and a typical explorative toddler.

This week we made a Facebook page for Ryan to share information about his life and his death.  If you are on Facebook and would like to visit the page, here is the link.

https://www.facebook.com/rememberryan83

The police are still lacking the forensic evidence they need to prosecute Ryan's attackers.  I keep hoping that evidence will magically appear, but my hopes continue to fade with time.   If you know anything that will help with Ryan's case, we are begging you to come forward.